The low continues . . . admin helps

It is now nearly 30 years ago that I applied to University. Looking back, this was a process that I made a real mess of. Our school had a room full of college prospectuses and we were encouraged to sit and read these. But I can't remember there being any particular process by which this was guided. I often think it was more luck than judgment that I applied to LSE.

Neither of my parents went to University and my school - the local comprehensive - did usually manage to get to handful of students in Oxbridge each year, but it had never had a student win a place at the LSE. Indeed, the school knew next to nothing about economics as a University subject. So I was very much on my own in this process.

And of course I changed subjects in my first term, switching out of a standard economics degree into Philosophy - one of my finest decisions, but it would have been so much better had I applied to do this initially. Forcing the LSE bureaucracy to agree my switch was no easy matter.

I can remember so clearly the Saturday when I got my results. I was down in London for the day with my friend Huw. We had been to see the John Soanes museum in Lincoln Inn Fields and we called in LSE so I could show Huw around. A porter asked me if we were there for the results as they had just been posted on the notice boards by the Old Theatre. Not only could I see my own result, but I could also see everyone elses. Perhaps 35 Firsts were awarded that year out of about 650 students.

A week or so later, I received a letter from the School's Director, Ralph Dahrendorf, suggesting I seriously consider doing an MSc. Several further letters followed on this subject, but neither me, nor my parents, not anyone else I knew were capable of seeing into this process and taking it seriously. As far as my parents were concerned, getting a degree was itself a jump on what they had achieved. They had got me through this and enabled me to get a good job - that was great on its own. None of us could make the imaginative leap required to consider the alternative.

It took me the best part of the next ten years to begin to appreciate what I had let slip through my fingers at this point. The various difficulties that I seemed to face in building a career began to make more sense. true, I did extremely well at my chosen career but the sense of loss from missing the opportunity I had has continued to grow.

Doing the MSc now was aimed at filling this gap. But at my increasingly frequent low points, it just highlights what I failed to do earlier. I am not usually a person to spend too long on past regrets. Afterall, if I had done the MSc then, I would not have met Linda and we wouldn't have had Emma, and life would have been totally different. I wouldn't want to suggest that this actual outocme is being regretted. No, it is more the realisation of just how "at home" I would have been in an academic environment, compared with the places I have spent my time.

When Linda and I first met, one of the things that most attracted me to her was that she was planning to do a PhD at University College. That passed us by, swept up in other events in our lives. This is also a source of regret for me.

At times I wonder whether it really is impossible for me to build any sort of academic career at my age - generally I believe it is. At my lows, I feel desperately sad about this. Once or twice, Linda has also asked me whether it is really impossible. I'm sure it is.

I continue to work very hard - to the exclusion of most other things. My health is poor - I have stopped doing any exercise and my diet is really bad. At my low points, I do feel very low.

So at these times I do admin, and so feel at least some progress at the end of each period of work.